The Fruits and Nuts in California

When I announced to my friends and family that I would be taking an extended trip to the west coast, more than one of them warned me, jokingly, about the "culture" here. And I have to admit, as beautiful as Santa Barbara is, there are some things will take some getting used to.

Sure, the state is full of a bunch of environmentally conscious, tree huggers, but I don't think that's a bad thing at all. Whether you acknowledge global warming or not, I don't see that it really hurts anything to be a little more careful about our pollution. Besides, so far as I can tell here, that particular obsession only manifests itself in the presence of recycling receptacles positioned right next to all of the public garbage bins.

No, the thing I'm having the most difficulty with is the west coast diet. In just the few weeks that I've been here, I've realized that there are more than a few very upsetting dietary adjustments that I'm going to have to make.

I know, I'll list them! (Like you didn't see this coming...)

1. Everything you've heard is absolutely correct. The Mexican food in California is, not surprisingly, phenomenal. That being said, while it is much more readily available, I'm not sure it actually rates better than what we are served in Florida (by which I mean to say, all of those people you've met that turn their noses up at Tampa's Mexican restaurants and say, "After living in California, I know what good Mexican food tastes like"? Yeah, your guess was right, they are just being pretentious douche-bags.)

There is, though, one very disturbing difference between the Mexican food I'm used to, and what I'm being served now. Apparently, California Mexicans have never heard of chili con queso (or anything resembling it). In fact, the only reference I've seen on a menu anywhere (so far) that might have been something similar, was an item called "chips and melted cheese." (They had "nachos" elsewhere on the menu, or I might have thought that was what they meant.) The phrasing, coupled with the fact that it was, among other things, a pizza delivery menu, scared me away from ordering it.

2. Everyone eats organic here. Well, almost everyone. I'm not wrong, am I? They haven't actually proven that eating organically in any way, shape, or form improves your health, have they? I mean, sure, it stands to reason that it might be a good idea not to eat pesticides and the like. But it's not like that produce doesn't get washed, right? Besides, it seems to me that I'm much more likely to develop awe inspiring, comic book-like, super powers if I'm eating man made chemicals. And really, isn't that worth the risk?

Right then, so it's just me.

3. They hate diabetics here. No, really, I think they do. Luckily, I'm not diabetic, or I think I might have been stoned (and I don't mean in the traditional, legal, medicinal California sense) after being invited to participate in a suspicious lottery. Still, I do follow what would be described as a blood-sugar control diet (which means I don't eat a lot of carbohydrates). I've told a few people here by way of explanation when they ask me why I'm not partaking of the regular, company-provided kool-aid--I mean lunch. Usually, they look at me as one might a bug who has just confessed to... Well, anything really, because, in general, talking bugs with a guilty conscience are pretty rare, aren't they? Then they walk a way. Quickly.

Anyway, the point of this isn't to illustrate that I am fast becoming a pariah, but rather to mention that the food choices for people who don't eat sugar are pretty thin. Salads don't just have croutons; they are tossed with (organic) cornbread. Ben and Jerry's? Yeah, the snotty little teenager they had working behind the counter looked at me like I was insane when I asked if they had any sugar-free options (every other Ben and Jerry's I've been to has had a sugar-free vanilla). They do have a Cold Stone here, but the "sweet creme" sugar-free ice cream flavor that they offer is, I think, further evidence of that entire company's hatred for people who don't eat sugar. After I was rebuffed by these chains (and some local ice cream shops), I tried the grocery store. No dice.

Needless to say, at some point during my two week return to Tampa, I will be trekking to St Petersburg for some sugar-free Ben and Jerry's.

4. Perhaps most troubling, and the most promising guarantee that I will be making regular trips back to Tampa, is the fact that there doesn't appear to be a Brazilian steakhouse anywhere near here. I do find it a little amusing, because the UCSB (University of California, Santa Barbara) mascot is a freakin' Gaucho! Amusement aside, though, I don't know how long I can go without saying "Sim, por favor" to a nice gentleman with a skewer of rare meat.

This story plays nicely into another widespread phenomena here: vegetarians. They're everywhere. I mean, I know a few back home, and in singles or pairs they're even kind of cute. But when they flock and herd, it's just disturbing.

Anyway, that's all for now. This is a living list, though, and I'm sure I'll find numerous items to add to it, so I'll keep you posted.